When it comes to the Greek gods, none are busier than Hermes. In a typical day, he’s delivering messages across empires, escorting the dead to the underworld and slaying monsters that even nightmares find off-putting. But after a particularly unlucky series of mistakes, one of which was pure negligence and the other two involving alcohol, he finds himself banished from Mount Olympus for two thousand years. To make matters worse, he returns only to discover that the gods have been completely forgotten by mankind, that his home in the heavens has crumbled to dust, and that an absurdly popular religion has sprung up in his absence, complete with a very strict “No Pagan Gods” rule.
But Hermes won’t back down so easily. He’s come up with a way to return the gods to their former glory that probably won’t even start any holy wars in the process. He’s donning his trusty winged sandals once again, adding a cape, some shiny armor, and a completely misunderstood leather skirt. As Mister Mercury, the world’s first real superhero, he fights not for freedom, not for justice, but to put the Fear of the Gods back into the hearts of mortals everywhere- where he aims to keep it.
Be sure to check out the Mister Mercury wiki page on giandosigurani.com for more info on things like characters, key locations, and what, exactly, the gods have been up to these past centuries.
He muttered under his breath as he pulled himself up yet another gigantic rock. He didn’t want to be here, he knew it was a waste of time. He was the busiest god on Mount Olympus, which had less to do with willingness and more to do with the unfortunate circumstance of being born last, after all the interesting things to be a god of had already been taken.
Continue Reading Prologue
Even when he was practicing, Apollo’s haunting melodies could make a stone-cold killer cry. “But overthrowing the Throne of Olympus? What purpose would that serve? We’re the happiest we have ever been! The food is delicious, the wine extraordinary, and we can have whatever pleasurable company we want at any time! Who would want to upset such a balance?”
Continue Reading 1. A Game of Bones
The banquet hall was lively. Or at least half of it was. Zeus decided that the best way to arrange seating was to stagger the mortals evenly with the gods. Each god was seated between two mortals, and vice versa. There are many things the gods of Olympus are known for: their fairness of beauty, their unspeakable wrath, and, slightly less known among most mortal populations, their fabulous dinner parties.
Continue Reading 2. The Feast
The first thing that came to Hermes’ attention when he awoke was a sensation of having a mountain collapsed on his head. His senses begrudgingly picked themselves up, dusted themselves off, and lazily reported for duty with little excuse for their tardiness. First, he could see the light filtering through his eyelids, his world a pattern of veins and skin. Then came the smell of dissipating alcoholic fumes, dried food, and spent sex. The last was a solidness that was pressed to various parts of his body, which could only mean that he was awkwardly sprawled across the floor.
Continue Reading 3. Hermes’ Task
The village wasn’t a very exciting place. It was out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by thousands of miles of desert, baked by the unrelenting sun and constantly battered by an equally relentless wind. Nobody even remembers how it got there.
Continue Reading 4. The Village
The weather on Mount Olympus was usually perfect. But when Hermes, Nike, and the rest of the Seasons arrived, it was cold and judgmental, with winds that could strip the flesh off mortals. The clouds, which were actually below the realm of the gods, were gray and angry.
Hermes wanted to flee. His winged sandals could take him anywhere. Over oceans. Across impassable deserts. Into blazing volcanoes, over their lakes of fire. But they couldn’t take him out of Bia’s grip. They couldn’t wrench him from Kratos’ strong hands.
Continue Reading 5. Hermes’ Exile
And then there came the great prophet Nostradamus, whose long strings of nearly-perfect predictions earned him far too much fame than was comfortable for him. When four hooded figures kicked down his doors and dragged him away, he decided a little too late that when you’re a god hiding from the king of Olympus, settling down in France and making completely accurate predictions of great world events to come probably wasn’t a very good way of staying incognito.
Continue Reading 6. On History
Hermes didn’t know what kind of repercussions that staying in one spot for two thousand years might have on any nearby life-forms. He didn’t know that his divine energy might leak out into his immediate environment and drastically alter the natural evolutionary processes that usually take millions of years to complete. Neither did the tiny, undetectable bacteria that had lived in the water above him the whole time, which had gleefully absorbed the free energy from Hermes.
Continue Reading 7. Emergence
“It’s been a long time, Hermes.” Aphrodite said. “Lots of things have changed. We’ve got to get you caught up on so much! There are some new languages, new technology, new countries, new empires… Would you like some coffee?”
Continue Reading 8. Aphrodite’s Coffee Temple
Gods are not slow. Most are clever and witty, in fact. What is usually taken by mortals for stupidity is actually caused a huge difference in time frames. Mortals have life spans to worry about; they know that no matter what they do in their life, it will all come to an end some day, and that if they were going to have a long and eventful life, they have to move quickly. Gods don’t have to worry about that sort of thing, so they often take a little more time to think things through than some might argue is strictly necessary. After all, when it comes to time, they have plenty of the stuff.
Continue Reading 9. Mayor Athena
Across the street, past the nearly parked cars and the exodus of people, there was an absurdly tall glass building. Hermes slowly raised his head, gently taking in the sheer bigness of the thing. At the very top, at a point which could easily shame a mountain into suffering an existential crisis, there was a ridiculously stylized V. The same one Hermes had seen on the shirt of that one man in Greece, in fact.
Continue Reading 10. Victoria, Inc.
Far away from Hermes’ new home in Seattle, some storm clouds were brewing. They had been brewing for the past hundred years. They were the kind of clouds that made children look up in anticipation and golfers look down in disappointment. They were the kind of clouds that could make the happiest person on Earth refuse to get out of bed in the morning on the grounds that it just wasn’t worth it.
Continue Reading 11. The Gift Giver
Explaining two thousand years of missed history took much less time to finish than Aphrodite thought it would. Athena lay prone on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Aphrodite calmly explained:
“Mortals are a very frightening bunch,” she said. “Their lifespans are terribly short, their memories are even worse. But when it comes to finding reasons to believe in things, well, they’re the best.” She gathered her thoughts, and took a deep breath. This next part is going to be hard to explain. “There was this… man… who came from the Arabic regions. He was smart, charismatic, and extremely moral. He claimed he was the son of God… of the only god there is. And that all of us were fake. False gods.”
Continue Reading 12. History is Written by the Mortals
The chariot looked like it was made of black smoke. The wheels didn’t touch the ground, but they still slowly spun, just to give the effect more gravity. From the windows, an evil yellow light spilled from the inside, giving the impression that whatever was inside was very nasty, indeed.
Continue Reading 13. The Dark Chariot
“What a night,” he said.
Then he wondered why he had said that.
Gods wouldn’t say something like “what a night.” They are firm believers in the notion that actions speak louder than words. If a supreme being did happen to have a bad night, it would be easy to tell, because a nearby village would be burning, or a hapless villager would have found themselves turned into a tree.
Continue Reading 14. The Twin Gods
The sea looked much like an ocean to anyone that didn’t know better. It was dark blue, crashing against dark gray stones as it lapped on the bottom. There was an equally dark gray rockface leading up to a plateau. The plateau was covered with green foliage and grass, which was colorful, vibrant, and very much alive. On top of this grass stood a man who was not.
Continue Reading 15. God of Light
No, the god angle was no good. He had to get the mortals to think he was something else. Something that wasn’t a god, but was still admired like one. Someone they could put their trust, their respect, and their fear into, without once suspecting that they were within a presence of a genuine member of the ancient Greek pantheon. In short, he had to trick the human race into worshiping him.
Continue Reading 16. The Hero’s Arc
Hephaestus didn’t think he wanted to get involved. But a favor was a favor, and after all, he hadn’t made a suit of armor for over a thousand years. It might do him well to pick up his craft again. Besides, if worse came to worst, he could build minor flaws into them and render them ineffective when Apollo faces Zeus, but that thought made him cringe. It was worse than a sin.
Continue Reading 17. Master of Fire
Well, Hermes didn’t think he liked reality very much. He had a Dream. A Vision. A Plan. And he very well knew from experience that when a god has a Dream, a Vision, or a Plan, that they were quite frequently put into place, and reality was the odd one out.
Continue Reading 18. Destiny Rings
The battle was fierce. The two forces were deadlocked, mortal enemies made to oppose each other, and now the score was going to be settled for the final time. The brilliant strategists from each side thwarted each other time and time again, from battle to battle, which only served to heat their already fierce tempers to boiling points.
Continue Reading 19. Two Brothers
Hermes’ world consisted entirely of darkness and pain. As he came to his senses, he discovered that the darkness stemmed from his closed eyes, and the pain came from an unrelenting hangover. He decided that the first step he should take in order to fix this situation is to open his eyes. He regretted this action, and he closed them again.
Continue Reading 20. Ambrosia
Hephaestus stood over the largest of his machines as he watched pink lubricant slosh over a lump of metal while tiny mechanical arms shaved off particles in minuscule amounts at a time. He was wearing a visor usually reserved for welders whose torches burned brighter than is healthy to the naked eye. He didn’t need it, of course, but he liked the effect anyway.
Continue Reading 21. Armor of God
“I am Hermes, the Greek Messenger of the Gods. Hermes, the God of Commerce. Hermes, the God of Trickery. Hermes, escort for the dead to the realm of Hades. I am the Twelfth Olympian, I am the Son of Zeus. And I need something from you, Johnathan Sherme. Will you be my follower?”
Continue Reading 22. The Follower
Hermes stopped dead. The look of his face was that of pure enlightenment. Siddhartha Gautama would have cried. “Yes!” he shouted. “Yes! That’s it! Mister Mercury… the alliteration… the sound, the way it rolls off the tongue… Yes! Mister Mercury! It’s perfect! I am Mister Mercury.”
Continue Reading 23. The Hero’s Name
“Need him? What for? Maybe ask him who won the Super Bowl last year? Find out who was elected president in ’72?” Eagle couldn’t help but chuckle. “I mean, what purpose could someone possibly serve if all they can do is glance into the past?”
Continue Reading 24. The Power of Hindsight
The English Empire had spanned across the globe, reaching distant corners of the Earth that the Romans couldn’t hope to come near if given an extra hundred years to do it with. But the thing about the British, he thought, was that while their conquering was fearsome and nearly unstoppable, they didn’t actually spend much of their time doing it. War was an afterthought for them. Something to occupy their time while they drank tea and wrote literature. But the United States…it was like they couldn’t stand peace. So much of their money went to developing mind-bogglingly destructive weaponry, and even more of their time went into inventing reasons to use them.
Continue Reading 25: General Ares
Athena nodded. “I understand. Well, I can tell you a few things…mostly that almost everything- I said almost everything- you read about him is true. He turned water to wine. He walked on water. He brought people back from the dead, cured the sick, and wasn’t a bad carpenter either. Bona-fide, genuine Mr. Nice Guy.”
Continue Reading 26. Son of Zeus
“You’ll have to consider things from his perspective,” Prometheus explained. “When Zeus told him to make the humans, he started working on all the other monsters first. He gave teeth to the crocodiles, wings to the birds, tails to the monkeys… but by the time he got to the humans, he had run out of parts.” Prometheus shrugged. “It’s not because he was stupid, it was because he wasn’t thinking forward. I didn’t occur to him to make the humans first because to him, first is last.”
Continue Reading 27. A Glimpse of Days’ Past
Hephaestus laid the brown packages in front of Hermes like a visiting uncle bearing gifts. He placed each package with presentation and care, bearing a smile a game show host would kill for. When the last one was steadied on the rickety dining room table, he looked up at Hermes, seeking approval with childlike innocence. “Well,” he said, “what are you waiting for? Open them!”
Continue Reading 28. Hermes’ Path
“Luck,” said Ares, who easily spotted what had happened. “Luck isn’t something you can take with you on the battlefield. You’re going to need skill if you’re going to even survive an engagement with Zeus.” He raised his pole and struck with immense downward force. Apollo just managed to roll away, and the pole gouged a soccer-ball-sized hole in the grass. He stood up and screamed, swinging his pole at Ares’ bemused face, which was suddenly behind him just as the back of Apollo’s head received a blow that could turn a granite boulder into gravel.
Continue Reading 29. Apollo’s Path
Hermes weaved his way through the New York crowd. He was clad in his mirror-shiny breast plate, dark red cape, golden staff and helmet, and leather skirt. In direct sunlight, his armor glinted like a beacon, which could be seen for miles. But despite all this, he wasn’t getting as many strange looks as he thought he would. Apparently, the people of New York were used to outrageous caricatures strolling about in public unashamedly. Johnathan chose New York because most of the world’s media came from there. It’s also where all the important talk shows were held.
Continue Reading 30. Mister Mercury
Ares sat back in his wingback chair again. He puffed on the same type of cigar. It was just another day. It had been two days since Apollo left, claiming that he had some business to take care of. And the entire time, Ares had been thinking.
Continue Reading 31. God of War
“I don’t know who he is,” said a quivering, strikingly attractive young woman in tears. “But I love him. Please, Mister Mercury, if you’re watching this, I live on the East Side of Manhattan, Apartment-” Click.
Continue Reading 32. Media Hero
They walked inside the farmhouse, and Johnathan and Hermes were immediately greeted by a wave of evil-looking machinery. Steely, mechanical eyes bored into them as they passed, wondering who these intruders could possibly be. They retreated into their dark and cold crevices when they reached the other end of the room, which opened into a quaint, clean, standard-looking kitchen. Standard except for one very large detail: the floor was not tile, but soft and fertile peat. There was a table in the middle, but no chairs- only a pair of comfortable-looking bushes grown at exactly chair height. “Have a seat,” said Demeter. “Want some coffee?”
Continue Reading 33. Aunt Demeter
The spy turned around. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life was standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips, looking terribly displeased. Of course, the spy had grown up in a tiny, destitute village where beauty meant you could see only part of the rib cage. But this woman was beautiful even by the standards of people who knew what meat tasted like. Her hair was long, blonde, and tied in two braids. She was wearing tall foam sandals, and, for some reason, bits of grass were poking out from underneath her feet.
Continue Reading 34. Goddess of Corn
Every week, at the same time, on the same day, the workers at each of the Baron D’Erlanger’s wineries are to expect a phone call. They receive a string of questions that seem to be utterly unrelated to the process of making wine, and they must comply without question. The foreman answers the phone while the rest of the workers sprint around the large facilities armed with walkie-talkies, inspecting every nook, cranny, and particle of dust at the Baron’s request.
Continue Reading 35. Baron Dionysus
The Baron D’Erlanger sipped his wine and smiled as he watched the bustle of activity around him. Another successful party was off to a great start. It was his duty to make the best, most well-respected beverages made from fermented grapes on the planet. He took this responsibility seriously, and he worked harder at it than his competitors could fathom. So, naturally, he balanced out the hard work with spectacular parties that were as legendary as his vintages.
Continue Reading 36. God of Wine
Even Apollo was impressed by the state of Athens when he got there. Everywhere else, Greece was nothing short of an absolute war zone. The air was thick with anger, shouts, bullets, and Molotov cocktails. People were burning each other alive for having jobs. Unemployment was well into the double digits. Shantytowns were being hastily constructed from the rubble of felled office buildings. Government troops and police officers had long since shed their uniforms to join the chaos.
Continue Reading 37. Goddess of Wisdom
The press conference was scheduled at noon in Times Square. The famed superhero had marched into the New York Times offices and demanded that tomorrow, there better be a stage and appreciable seating for the kind of audience he was surely right to expect. Builders rushed outside and started immediately constructing the stage; they even grabbed the fanciest podium they could find. And because nothing quite so interesting as what was about to happen could possibly be kept a secret, it was already holding more than twenty microphones, each one host to a major news network that wanted to get the word out first and paid big money to do so.
Continue Reading 38. Goddess of Love
Hermes wanted to believe that it was a coincidence. He wanted to believe that perhaps the bean roaster hadn’t been cleaned lately and had spewed burned coffee grounds all over the restaurant, but he knew the truth. Apollo had already come here. He had set fire to the place, and Aphrodite was already gone from this world. He wasn’t fast enough. He shouldn’t have held that stupid press conference.
Continue Reading 39. Messenger of the Gods
Prometheus stood from his rock and stared down at the Eagle. The sun beat down from behind him, casting a long shadow over the bird. “Understand,” he said, without a trace of humor in his demeanor whatsoever, “I’m never surprised… by anything. Can you understand what that must be like?”
Continue Reading 40. A Backwards-Thinking Man
Hermes didn’t actually feel that dead.
He didn’t feel like he had just been run through the chest with a sword.
When he stood up, he felt fine.
And then he saw his body, lying at his feet atop a spreading pool of steaming blood, and he said, “Oh.”
Continue Reading 41. When the Gods Don’t Know the Answers
The press conference had been a mistake. She should not have stayed to answer questions. She knew that most people are utterly resistant to any sort of change in their perfect world that hadn’t been written down again and again for the past few hundred years, and yet she still gave them the benefit of the doubt. She had even tried answering their questions, but it had gone too far when they started throwing pencils and notebooks at her. When the ambulances finally got there, there weren’t enough slings or neck braces to go around.
Continue Reading 42. Goddess of Victory
Nike’s office was filled with shattered glass and blinding light. Apollo tried to shield his eyes, and was therefore unable to see Hermes’ fist thrusting at him from somewhere within the mess. He was knocked off his feet and into the wall, his sword flying from his hands like an Olympic discus. Nike dove out of the way as Apollo flew towards her and made yet another gigantic dent in her concrete wall. The Sun Chariot skidded to a halt in the corner of the room.
Continue Reading 43. Last Favors
It doesn’t matter how cultured you are, you need something to put on those empty shelves of yours. It doesn’t matter how many friends you have, everyone knows you’re only worth as much as the things you have in your closets.
Continue Reading 44. Nike’s Path
Mount Olympus was not the same as it once was. Where once there was a stunning view of the glorious houses in which the gods of Olympus lived, there now was a huge, white wall. And in the middle of it, a set of mammoth golden gates stood that blatantly screamed to all who stood in front of it: Keep Out.
Continue Reading 45. The Ruins of Mount Olympus
Apollo rolled, his armor and sword clanking upon the ground. When he got up, he merely looked annoyed. “I’m getting really tired of being smacked around like that,” he said. “It’s not as if it does any good.”
Continue Reading 46. The Fourth Season
But what made the river Styx so powerful? What sort of substance could possibly pull in something as insubstantial as a soul, without any hope of returning? Surely mere water couldn’t be strong enough to contain even the mighty Zeus if he were to fall in?
Continue Reading 47. By Styx
“And you threw a lightning bolt at us?” said Nike angrily. “You couldn’t have used a bit of restraint?”
Continue Reading 48. The Battle of Heaven
The weeping savior of mankind stood up. The tears had washed away two stripes of thick grime, and his eyes, if it was possible, were even more red. “It’s not true,” he said. “My father is, and has always been, Hermes.”
Continue Reading 49. Son of Hermes
Hermes closed his eyes. It was always somewhat unnerving talking to the Cerberus. He had three heads, each of which shared their bodily functions, and therefore their consciousness, with one another. It was like talking to a set of three pinballs as they bounced around the machine.
Continue Reading 50. Cerberus
Hermes rolled out of bed from his nap. He didn’t have anywhere to be, really. It was his day off. Johnathan would run the store by himself today, and if he needed Hermes, he would call. Besides…a few extra hours never hurt. Hermes’ phone rang. It was the same one Nike had given to him [...]
Continue Reading Epimetheus’ Log
